“The primary purpose of enlightened sex is to live as love by recognizing and relaxing into the open, unlimited, aware depth of being who you really are. “ – David Deida
Jacking off and blowing your load is fun. It’s quick, addictive, and relaxing. Clitoris quickies are also a rush and can produce all kinds of shivers. But what about going beyond wanker wonking and nub rubbing? Getting your dick wet is nice, but what about full body orgasm and knowing when to pin her against a wall without her pushing you away? And ladies…have you had a cervical orgasm? Not vaginal, cervical? I think I have, but I have trouble understanding how to recreate them. Finally, what’s all this talk about prolonging orgasm in order to have something bigger, more genuine, and outright mind expanding? As someone who values sexual experience I say, “Bring it on! I want to see God in the big O.”
What’s holding me back? Bottom line: fear and impatience.
I’m reading David Deida's Enlightened Sex. Don't be fooled by the title. It's not some “wishy-washy-sex-guru-make-me-puke" stuff. It's sweet, sexy, and very insightful. That, and it’s short and to the point. If you are not familiar with David Deida’s work go out and buy The Way of the Superior Man. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman, his books are pure genius. I made Dieda required reading for many of my coaching clients since most people came to me for relationship coaching. Both men and women benefited from the experience.
Back to sex: I’ve always assumed that this yogi approach to sex would either annoy the shit out of me, or that I had to be utterly in love with my partner in order to achieve some sparklepony-out -of-body-experience. It never occurred to me to simply practice enlightened sex for me. For my own well being and connection. Granted, having the other person on board helps, but it's not about dealing with heavy emotions, rather it's about celebrating authenticity, love, and being present. That, and he suggests you can also practice alone. As a matter of fact Dieda recommends practicing all day. (No, it's not about playing with your peanut in public. ) The practice Deida suggests has to do with breath work and presence. He suggests to start by learning to circulate your breathing daily and find out what it means to inhale fully (opening and receiving down into the pelvis) and to exhale fully (letting go, releasing up the spine.) If you have trouble staying wet, or getting hard you are not inhaling deeply enough. Practice inhaling deeply throughout the day. If you have trouble postponing ejaculation or trouble experiencing emotional surrender, practice deeply exhaling and releasing your breath.
More than this, he also emphasizes watching for energy leaks. Our daily actions reflect our love-making. Do you fidget a lot during the day? Do you eat unnecessary snacks? Are you addicted to the internet? Do you watch too much porn? Are you addicted to masturbating daily? Video games? Do you live in the virtual world for distraction, or are you saving your energy for real-life experience?
He speaks of how ejaculating/orgasm can leak unnecessary energy and be a let down:
“I am constantly seeking love and fulfillment, or freedom from stress and fear...Ejaculation epitomizes this need. I am on the verge of coming, of real pleasure, and I can feel my attention being corralled by this possibility. I do not feel my partner lying vulnerably beneath me….Instead, I am pumping my genitals in my partners warm wetness, focusing entirely on my imminent ejaculative release. I especially do not feel the truth of my deep being, which is already – right now, just as it is – free, open, and unbound. My very nature is unlimited, undefined, unspeakably absolute. But instead of feeling free as this infinity, my attention is targeted on my impending squirt...I am a slave to genital need.” – excerpt from book.
And ladies, this is about you too. I know many women that get off on thoughtless sex (even great thoughtless sex) without being patient or brave enough to go deeper into the experience. We all want instant gratification, but what happens when we learn to use this energy more consciously with the result being mind blowing, mind altering full-body orgasms? A little patience can go a long way. Not a bad deal if you ask me.
My favorite chapter: "Bite, Slap and Pinch to Move Stagnant Energy."
Runner up favorite chapters: "Understand the Three types of Women's Orgasms," and "Make Love for at least 45 minutes at a time."
I think the best part of the book is how well he seems to read a woman sexually. He goes into detail on when to pin a woman down, how to work the clit and the vagina, when to be gentle and when to slap her around. Deida understands that though we are both powerful, men and women are not equally the same. Thank God someone gets this:
"Growing up, I was raised to treat boys and girls, men and women, equally. To me, that meant treating them the same. I simply had no idea that in intimacy, sameness is not sexy. It was a while until I learned that magnetic sexual polarity is based on the attractive play between masculine and feminine forces, which are equal in power, but also very different. Sex is the play of their differences, their push and pull, their interpenetration, union, and pleasurable unity. But a mush soup of mushy neutered sameness is not the basis for sexual play." - Deida
Yum yum yum...
Back to my homework. ;)
